From all the grace of heaven

From all the grace of heaven one angel did fall from the heavenly blue. With a grace she landed, will all the tears of joy I may weep for her, none shall match the ones up which she landed upon the morning dew. With the light the guided only one shall burn brighter, that light which burns in my eyes for her. A seemly soft kiss, a sweet petal of a rose is no match her the pure softness of her angelic skin. Her smile does make all the angels jealous, but none shall hold a grudge to this heavenly goddess of beauty. The sweetest of all kisses I would give her luscious lips, with the gentlest strokes would I caress her hair, with the deepest starlight stare would I be lost in her deep blooming eyes. For now heaven is to earth, and a heaven embodiment walks upon the ground. With all the grace from heaven, and all the love in light I wish to take this angels hand, and give her a pure and loving kiss. From heaven I do receive and from my heart I do tell this angel. I love her.

---in truth i told her she didnt love me

From all the days past

From all the days past, from all the time I sat wishing. Only one thing has remained after the constantly changing time. That I love you. From all that has happened, from all that will happen, and all that should happen. One thing will always remain that I will, do, and shall always love you. After all that has happened remember it is in the past and has passed. Look to now, and tomorrow. And know that I love you. I wish so much to spend the next days with you.

Down of the dawn

Down of the dawn and welcome to the nightmare. Words weave a chain of pain. Truth the only key. Let what was once set end and let tomorrow be born. For now is never and soon it shall be forever. A sick heart, a dying child. A miracle formed, a life born. A kiss from heaven did bring and angel to heaven, a snare was set to tap all the light from life. For every thing that happens their is an effect and consequence. A veil of lies, a icy sheet of betrayal. Let what was known be forgotten, and let the truth ring clear.
Contemplation a dismissal of all reason… insanity grows only to ponder the chaos brought from fate. So many questions, so few answers. The cross roads bring all that has happened in ones life clear and present to there mind. No lie shall never be known, no truth shall remain forgotten. It is what is real. Either it is true or it does not exist. My body is true, my mind is true… but my soul… a lie from fate? Or a truth? Do I exist in more then just physical reality? My morals guide me to close, my dark lusts hidden and have little charge. Have I turned my humanity into a foolish quest? I know I shall never obtain purity. But I can keep from destroying an innocent heart or soul. To all I say take what you will, not as a theft but as a gift. So long have I spent dismissing my own pain for another upon just instinct. I lack what is a will to live and succeed. Forsake all of my life and you miss nothing. Forget me and you realize you never remembered. Learn from me and you take what I know of pain and of life. We are cruel creatures, we would dare to use one for our gain… we would lie even to ourselves… Now I ask a question, is a lie placed upon my head to give my heart to one that I do have living in my heart a fatal move, or by shedding my own chance for happiness for another do I give the greatest gift? Long have I pondered this… even longer have I pondered if I have a soul mate that takes a breath. If I take a breath to I in turn steal someone else’s life? Or do I simply claim what is for the taking in life… such a simple question… based upon a trivial feat of human survival… alas if the control of the question was expanded and greater, then would I be selfish? I still sit idly waiting to die, and as I grow bored of a gift fate seems to tease me with… I look for what I have always missed in life and upon receiving such a joyous gift I am again marveled at how I always end up alone. A bitter curse from fate or a tragic yet repetitive misfortune? Every time I utter a word my life seems to fall to the bitter ground. Irony at its best form could only be said as my life. Three choices I gave up all for one… one left at my request one waited praying, the last and most cherished… Void! Welcome to the abyss… A realm of not logic but of the chaos that has been born in everyone’s soul. Where I am formed… where I am lost… where I am replaced. Every pain brings a new change… I still search for myself that I lost so long ago… maybe that died when my body should have… and in a rebuke this conscious base was formed… ?… All would speak that insanity comes from my lips… Too wrong are they. What I speak is what is evidently clear in my prison called life. However I now question if I want it to end… More and more have I learned… yet less have I remembered. Shall I forget all and remember what is said on the next morrow? Few would even understand that answer. Life has a pattern, and their is subtle prediction that can be made not of what will happen but what emotion fate will bring fourth next. You can not look at all that has happened but all that could have happened… the past is truly a key in this resolution. Call me a dreamer if you must, yet know that I dream of all that I love and care for to be surrounded in happy tenures. Let love flow to them, as the blood should from me. So many sins I have… yet do they only weigh as much to me? For what none would call a sin I call vile and a sin I placed upon my soul. It was true for one to say I would take all the doubts of humanity as my sin. I already have. I am still a puzzle to most… yet one I did let see what I lost… myself. From that I learned, myself is not for me to find but for one that can press lips of love, and whispers of honesty upon me; shall find myself. Contradicting? Or can you spanned past the laws of logic and attempt to reason? Life is filled with choices this is but one. Everything you do comes back to haunt you three fold. Be weary of that… as have I. I question if our sins are what we make them to be, if we believe such is not a sin this I truly ask is it? If so then I shall suffer far greater then most… then in such case… compare my suffering to that and see that the past holds little to tomorrow. How long till I let everyone see what I hold so close inside me… how long till they realize what I am… when yet… I can not even understand who I am. And again I battle my own emotions… not to smother any pain but to once again release myself of the ability to love… but yet will I again embody hate as my ultimate emotion? Let me cut the love I need to have, from the wanting of my soul and I shall be… no I shall not be pure. Even more tainted I will be. Blasphemy. Love is what I have to give, if I dear to deceive even myself then I betray my highest law and that is honesty. These are but few of the thoughts I endure every day… and all have marked me a fool. Think me one I beg of you, and notice not where I am tomorrow you see me in the same stature and place… yet can you not see that we are not governed by physical nature. Our soul is our existence it is what binds us to life and death to both heaven and hell! Challenge this I dare you, no I pray you not to… I wish no harm or ill fate upon anyone. Let all the pain come to me… and let me learn and with that let me die with the knowledge and the pain of life. But a long wait it shall be if I am to repay all of my sins before my demise. This is my will… as you read you run… and you question you forget, as you walk away you leave. With these words I can speak of all that is and has been still you forget. A sick joy could one have at such a taunting… and even though I shall not understand why I do this later. But how blind can one be to see that these mere words are what drives you from me? If one would think I know this not then they should be marked the fool, I know this; I live this. I am easy to gain favor from but none shall keep it until the can conquer me, and my mind. Yet the task is so simple even a few have remarked and the way… even I have told a few as others have. It is written plan as day. Yet you look to be blind as if it were nite. I taunt you, I question you, I am you in all reality… yet never could or will anyone understand that. I question how long it shall be if ever one dares to speak to me, in my own words. Marvel me here and intice my mind, yet still that is only marvel. Ironically what must be done to capture my heart and soul, for more then just a temporary term is what I would call myself selfish for… again I tell you. Yes I do have a childish delight in this you call me insane and mock me for this… yet even in the back of you mind you question what I say. At this I speak no more… for now.

The sand's of time

The sand’s of time pouring slowly thought the hour glass of life… how quick everything comes to an end. The last chapter of the book of your life is wrote… the last page falls to a deafening crash as the book is closed.
Everything is moving…Nothing is coming…Still I sit still and wait…My mind in a constant debate…
When will the silence end?Where did my life begin?Was it when I was born?Or when my heart was grown?
Where did my love come from?Where as my faith gone?As I sit and stare…No sound comes to my deaf ears…
Everything we know today changed tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes for it’s birth bares the exit of today… the today that never ends. Yesterday was once tomorrow… then today… now and again it is yesterday. What is a morrow? When you awake are you in a new world? A day dies and brings night… then night passes and say rises. Is this a morrow? A simple word founded by whom…? An enigmatical sense of questions and searching for the masked answers. Time passes, day and night trade dominance and this is a morrow! Cunning… this junction of answers to questions. Yet, I have asked no true answers.
No sound…No words…No emotions…Nothing
A drop of waterMy name calledLoneliness growingSomething is here
No… just my mind… giving itself false hope. Then the silence breaks… my wait is over and now again I can go forward.

In a world so bare

In a world so bare of love and pure of pain… I watch as my heart floats like a dove and still in fear I remain. A dying cry as my heart falls deeper… yet the fear still haunts me. I awake to each new day with a smile. I look to my side to see… and my smile fades… for it was just a dream. She is not there to make the day perfect with just a kiss… to make the heavens shake as I stare in her eyes and tell of my love. And I remember all the pain… every time I hear any words of love I remember. How my heart was ripped from me and the still bleeding wound could be all but healed from her… yet my broken heart could be again sent into exile as time mends the shards and powdered fragments. I have never been shown love… for what I thought was someone’s love to me was nothing less then pain; a tormenting and vile bliss for the damned. With each passing thought she remains in my mind… with each passing tear I want her love. With each passing breath I question how long. With each pain I fear her. Never will this pain I have… the secret I bear so bitter that I shall take it to my earthly tomb and let it rest along with my troubled soul, be known to any mortal. God is my sheaperd and keeper. My watcher… the only being that shall know all of me. All of my pain and all of my love. But for this one gracious and wonderous bueaty. I do have love for… and that love grows with each passing beat of my heart. A great but fearful love. For how could she love me… upon the great spire she rests… treading on this scared earth is where I struggle. For the range seems infinite… or is it a false placed hope; a trap waiting to taint my blood with posion and that shall kill the last of my heart. My fear as grown with my love… a lie sickens my trust and feeds my fear. Let know lie be told… let know falseness be born… and let my love grow and endure and blossom. To its full extent only then can I show my true self can my walls fall. How many she has took down already even I do not know. That is why my fear is so great. How such a love and bloom… and such a fear can be born from that love… and the memories of pain. I sit and ponder as I have many times before about love… to leap or to run. To leap for such… not knowing the pain that may be bound to reach my heart… but for a chance to journy in her arms… a true lovers kiss. Given with my love. Returned with her love. To run… a safe escape with little pain… only the question of what if… what if it worked… what if I took the chance. For this has been a long pondered dicission but alas… even in the pondering I did step up to the edge and closer and closer I go. How far to the edge I do not know but… but then. All shall be told. When I look in her eyes… and she looks in mine. When I can let her see me for not who I was or my mask but whom life and everyone’s pain has forged me. All the lies… all the pain. But from this point all that sorrow could make me gain… or refrain. What shall happen I can say not. But I again give will to fate and love. For I have already done so even in pondering it. “I can not command my heart nor should I. For it commands my life and my destiny.” It almost seems a dream though something to good… to pure, to wanted to be true. I fear waking from it… I fear the dream ending. I fear maybe it is a dream that someone other then me dreams… and I am just caught in a blissful paradise. I know this bueaty is to great for me… but my heart does hold a love stonger then all spare one… and up the great cup. The cup that measure this love. An overflowing shall bestoy a passing of all other loves… of any man or woman has ever known. And I stare at this cup… its passionate liquid to the brim… awating a drop. A drop. One drop shall define. A tear drop shall tip this hearty cup. A drop of love… of truth. Shall overflow. And to the earth spreading life this liquid shall go. Reviving all my hope and dreams. Reminding me why I pressed so long and hard for my morals. It is but a love that can do this. A love that matches my own love. Only then. It is not that love that makes me happy. It is the junction of me and the bueaty. A lovers kiss. A overflowed cup. A true smile. A pure drop. Trust. A balance. For it shall not be prefect. Only heaven is realm of perfection. But this love could put us at the gates of heaven. But still I do fear. A battle formed by time and constant pain… a war. With every loss part of me dies. I have never won this battle. I have never seen what I believe to be love. Love does not hurt. It is not meant to. Only unanswered love, betraid love hurts. I have spent time pondering… and questioning. And only these words are my answer.

Rain falling down from the sky

Rain falling down from the sky; look into your eyes for nothing is real. A seemingly remorseful world, a tired soul a chaotic conversion of pain and irony. All is my destiny nothing is my fate. For all that is dealt to me I shall and will retaliate. This pain I share most can relate. With these words and bitter truth I cast my bait. And follow thy chosen path. Happy days… tomorrow lies in fogy haze and you stare reading your eyes pounding your heart racing in your daze. For as unique as I am so are you and the one you shall stand next to on the up coming morrow. Everyone has hurt and leads a life. Snare them and snare yourself. Turn all your hate to me… for your sins are my own. A dead man’s cries, a lost child’s tears. All is real, nothing is reality. All is mystery. All is clear. Look then look again after a mere word and see the world with a new light. Every day your opinion on something changes… with only knowledge gained. You bleed as does everyone. You hurt as should everyone. And as before and always you shall take for granite that which another does not have and so desperately wants. Life. Love. Happiness. Bestow the pain to others… as you do. Seal my fate even deeper. Blind I say you are. A sheep to society. You follow where you are lead. And you do not even realize it now you doubt my words you spite my thought. Popularity, power, and attention. One word to you… puppet. I have had all… and now I am where I chose spare one. The love I once had the love I want back. I have not the time to search as you do. Nor why would I when my heart has only found one. How many subjects have I covered in this? How many can I? How many can you understand? Questions question… and more questions. And I leave you to ponder the answers. I have learned from life… alone. The one gift that I can freely offer is what I have learned. I reveal it in a cloud of mystery. If you see it then you are ready if your mind refuses then you truly are content as cattle ready to be slaughtered for the gain of society. Would you do what you do if it was not to appease the persuasion of another? Say no or lest you lie. Your world spinning; mine dying. My time grows shorter with each passing thought… and I spend it to better you, your neighbor. Nothing do I gain… I only pray that a child will not grow up as I did. Truly alone… misunderstood, left out, betrayed… the mother that gave birth wishing for the child’s death. When I was healthy I wanted to taste death… now sick and pale I push on for only the chance to help another. I am nothing more then myself and why should I be anything different. Reaching inside tearing away the locks… digging deeper. Scars… sharpen thy blade. Produce all your hate. Bury your love. Take life as only pain… destroy the love others wish to give. And I mark you as a fool. Ponder… and learn.

Flourish of life

Flourish of life… to the stagnate waters I drink. A life imprisoned. A death released. Shadowed light lost in the forgotten blight. “I can dream the dreams of a thousand men, the one nightmare that remains is my life.” Drowning in the stagnate ocean of life… a current that passed. Empty and alone. Scared… frightened. Let no one see my face, let no soul look into my eyes. Let nothing know me… not a stir, not a word, not a thought placed upon me. Life slowly passing me by. As everyone walks forward I can find nothing to comfort me as the loneliness grows. Have so many forgotten me? It is but the silence that haunts me. The absence… how many more shall let me fade? The endless void… my empty life. No one will take me from it… nothing but the silence.

Calling to the dead

Calling to the dead… waiting for the coming. Tasting my own demise… a pure and swift dismissal. Waiting for fate to grace me… waiting for death to free me… what can I do anymore… I am but a failure, a misguided child full of false hopes and fantasies. I utter words of love… while I become deaf at the silence. Life to death… I pray that soon I shall take my last breath… teased and taunted. I yearn for the coming. Let no one love me… for I shall depart let not tears fall for I am a disgrace. A fool was I to ever let someone close a fool indeed to let someone’s love grow. Let hate flow in thy veins. Let me fade… let me die… let my memory rot away just as my body. No tears to fall, for hate shall set me free.

A word engraved deep

A word engraved deep into my soul a nightmare born unto one other then me. Long has it been since words came from me… I again open Pandora’s box. This that starts my destruction. Simple words bringing all of my pain, all of the pain I feel from another. And as many times before I write this not for myself. A needle set deep. From the murky waters of the past the pain does creep. A joyous reckoning as one sets ahead for the pain of another. A sick and savage immaturity has grown. Tears born for chaos. Nerves set to a’splinter. Vile havoc’s tearing and shearing upon a sweet and innocent heart. A fool and frail figure from the past drowning and angel in pain for what one would call justice… sharing a graphic pain that the minister of torment foolishly believes to be real; when all is there is ego of a man. Every child of God hurts and has been hurt. Spread the pain… give it to all, turn the torment to the one you believe that has hurt you… “Many horrific things happen in life its how we deal with these things that make us whom and what we are.” Dare you live as a coward as the one born from the nursery of adolescent scorn? Blame a simple aspect of humanity to turn responsibly to another. This draft is as simple as I am; chaotic. Words pouring the manifestation of enigma. A secret identify I hide just as the true extent of these words. That angel has started to see me… and my identify. Fate has set a disarray upon my life… my closure has failed. I say anyone that can peer though all of the mysteries I place, through the clouds of fabricated illusions I create is set upon the same plane of pain that I was born from. Giving more… sick and vile is the one that delights in this reticulating torture of one that truly deserves it not. A candle’s flame dances… the darkness is stirred by a single flame. With this flame I did ignite a fire. With moist tears one would dare to smother that fire. The fire is nothing more then ones burning joy and happiness. Curse one that would dare to snare the happiness of another. It is what we all want rejoice the one can find it… take it from them and I shall be amused as fate repents. Again I say I am done. These words shall morph into their own form and a new life of etiquette and emotional pronunciation is born.

A life that would be lead

A life that would be lead from a false treason. I lie that would live as a fake reality. Nothing can I hide here. I hurt, I have hurt. I love, I have loved. I am lost, I have lost. I have learned… how quick would I banish my own happiness for someone else’s. With out regret… just wonderment. I have learned what is the ultimate again. Not love… but truth. For it is creation, we exist therefore we are true. God said it was to be true so it is real. A wound soaked with blood… clear the blood away to reveal a scratch. A scratch thought to be weak lead to an infection. These two separate wounds… taught me. Not of life but of my feelings. Maybe it is the pain that numbs one when it runs so deep I can not feel it… yet I doubt this. I ask, I question, I tell, I answer. Let no wound give regret to what brought it. Let the wound heal, and with a scare called remembrance learn and live.

The tranquiel killer

The tranquiel killer… silence and lone and drery haunting sound… the lack of sound the lack of a word… and word that could bring happiness or comfort. Letting the mind wonder confusion… setting in.

Tkae thy frail finger to my hand

Take thy frail finger to my hand… I shall pull you from this fallen land. With no one to do so for me. Lost and bathed in my own tears. Alone and crying… I feel the fear… I live the pain… but as always I am dying. With every hurt… every tear. I grow stronger. A word to fate… persecute me, hurt me, bring me countless endowments of pain and I shall only strive. This scar upon my wrist give proof of my former stupidity. This weak heart of mine that still beats… and still loves is proof of my strength. The chastising lies… the ones to make another better and me less. Grant me nothing with them for what I want is true. Dissipate reality for yourself let me keep mine. For if it is not real then in my heart it shall never heal and form as me. Bring my destruction and upon my last breath I shall only utter of love. This which keeps me sain… this which keeps me alive this hope I hold so close not the let its ray of light glimmer to another. This no one, no being, no entity not even fate shall take from me. This which I lived for four years not admitting… this which I have always had. But alas I have only my definition. If I took the one I have been shown I shall cry… for all I have been taught is love is pain. Its the deceit which one so villainously creates to capture me… then left for dead am I. But I have never died. I have never fell nor will I. With every word that consists of love I shudder… tears swell in my eyes. For every time I have been told I was loved hurt followed. You ask me not to fear this but: If I child is to be unloved by a mother how is another to love that child? Question your answer… for I have the pain, I know the pain, I live with the pain. “If knowledge is power I am weak but alas I grow stronger” Measure my strength now… and find my weakness… and as always you shall see it is my compassion, trust, and love. The ideals I hold most valued are my weakness. Spare me the pain you shall bring me for another will soon and here after. It is my fate to hurt… and I do not question God and its ways… for it shall only do unto me when it knows I can handle it; if I lose faith then I do so upon my own will. Pleasure and penitence. Rage blossoming, my identity forgotten. The abyss is reborn, a new tear in my mind is revealed. My pale flesh stinging and serrated… for this is my emotional shelter where I hide… where I heal. A justification… is what I need. A justification as to why one would say they had my body. For them to lie about me blessing them with my body… as conceded as you say it is of me… I do think it is a blessing for few have I gave it to and few shall I ever. For me to let my flesh to become with them for me to give all of myself to them. To let my lips taste theirs. Not until my heart is cultivated with love. And lust droughted… the heavens terefarmed in my hands… with these hands I do hold the endower of my love. But till that fated day when one can look at me with true and loving eyes I shall wait.

LIfe passes to the extermities of an ulcer

Life passes to the extremities to an ulcer. The anguish of others molests our hearts and tear our souls. Our minds wither at the reconcile of our emotions. We trade our thoughts for sorrow and pain. Our fellow men and women alike fall before God in a lessening disarray of judgment. Our thoughts, prayers, and essence follow them to unite with our fallen hopes.
Falling to the earth; a soul imprisoned by our reprimanding pity. We turn our minds toward our hearts and set forth our mourning. Unto the truth; we shadow with our rhetorical questions, we lose all dreams for them and return our empathy for the family.
Many things happen in life none can change, all are a lesson. All of our changes and maturing still withers in tragedy: upon God’s gentle soul we lay our children, family, and loved one everlasting existence to. Our hearts and minds rest with them. It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved et all.
I wrote this to remind myself with it is like to hurt… but now I read it and remember what it is like to love and love is still in heart and it continues to grow. I am sorry to anyone that has loved and lost but their influence on your life is great… but they will always live in your heart and share your joys and triumphs.

Fearful exile

Fearful exile… a tenacious resolution. Bitter fear… could she make this pain disappear. Her soft skin against mine… her had resting on my chest. Her sweet aromanous hair falling down my neck… her warmth chasing the icy death away… the cold pain. Frost bite once laid in my heart cause she thaw its icy decay… and from the ashes of my dead heart could she bring love? My mine drifting… the confusion gone… in her eyes. My rage slowly dying… my soul free and renewed. My love flowing… my fingers stroking… her soft skin; caressing her sweet and tempting lips. I feel myself beginning to fall… fearing the pain it could bring… a lovers recourse… a hurt mans sin. Fear for this and for even finishing these words… for fear I leave and hope have this love… this lovely wonder in my arms.

Who is to say who i am

Who is to say who I am, what power do I have. Nothing confines me here. I am the creator of this illusion. The keeper or this fantasy and you are the dreamer of this reality. I have no laws the only limit for its creation is what I write, the only limit for its understanding is what your mind can comprehend what your soul can see and what your heart can portray. I am a poet. These are nothing more then words. The sparks of emotion are nothing compared to the fire that burns inside me to tell this tale. Their are no ethnic races, no primary or imaginary colors, no physics, no laws, no theories only what I make. I am a poet, a teller of what I see through my eyes. The expressed of my emotions, the dreamer of my fantasy. I am the jury to this world, my world. Only one color exists gray. The mixture of light and dark, black and white. From the darkness I speak of light. Welcome to the gray. I am not the one that betrays I only tell what I think and feel. From the shadows I reach out to touch your shoulder… to taunt you. To tease your consciousness… as you stumble through life this is all I have to offer. My tales of woe, my basis of hope. Now I am yours as you are mine… soon you shall be rid of me as you would want. For if your eyes could look into mine you would not see anything for I will not let you. Realize I am not the fool you would have me be. I know and I will still let you play in the fields you make, the ones where you spread my blood. Peaceful field, the short grass bending to the smooth crisp wind. The soft white fluffy clouds forming silent dreams and raving fantasies. The pure stream deep and clear its sweet waters feeding the florescent willow tree its strong branches providing shade for the birds that play underneath. The serenity of the sun, the bright rays dulled by this peaceful valley field. The animals in harmony. This illusion you create.This is where you murdered me. This valley stained with blood… the monolith mountains blocking the sun keeping the light from me, the vultures that play with my bones under this rotting dead willow tree, this smooth wind with the hollows of silence for its ghastly tunes tell of my death. The animals all feasting in delight upon my dead flesh. These clouds hiding the tears of angels… for they seen how you ripped my still beating heart from me. I promised you love you promised me it back. Then I turned to pick you a rose… with its thorns my heart was cut out. And I know for seek what you will of my pain, sleep peacefully at night… for I will not have redemption for that. I am unlike you. For as dark as I portray myself I am not morbid and capable of intentionally ripping another’s heart out. Take what you will of my body, wreck my mind, and break my heart; but you can never have my soul. Only pure love can reach it, you taint my blood, my tears. But you can never taint my soul. But you have surpassed all I could ever do to you, you desecrated your own soul… upon it reads my tomb stone. “Here lies a person who loved me, I promised them love and I said it back, but when his eyes could not see I awoke, here in me is that persons dead heart I have took.” I said of what I would do… still you read. I told you what would happened. Still you read. I told love brightness and peace as it was seen. But then I looked in the other eye. And told of how it was. Still you read. And now you dread for your time spent to hurt me… and now I have told you of it but rest assure I will not hurt you… you have done that yourself. You said the one I love will be the luckiest alive… foolish for it could have been you till that day. What shall tomorrow have? Maybe you should take heed to this warning… and keep from ripping my heart out again. For now you leave and you are no longer mine but I am forever yours. When my lips caress your hand you know what you almost did or will you finish?

When the tears fell

When the tears fell… when my pain was great. You were my friend. You could not touch me nor wipe my tears. But you did give me love. Your voice soothed my chaotic mind. It was me how hurt you… for I was the fool. I cared to much for my pain… I forgot, I was afraid. For this pain that almost ceased our chance was from the neglect and fear of my own heart. I could not bare to admit I loved you I was afraid to love… for I never did. I could not think it true so I hid… I buried my love for you in someone else… my Pegasus. I denied my own heart because of fear… fear to admit I loved, fear for what you would say. I am not… I could never deserve you nor could most… and I never could love you as much as you deserve nor could anyone. Even in infinity their is not enough time to say I love you enough. For you are a rose… and I am but a weed… upon this stream we do feed from… and upon the same path we have crossed and meet. Though I can not see your face nor hold your hand in mine and press my lips upon your soft hand. I do love you. I was a fool for not admitting that. I have looked back upon my past and seen how blank and dark it was… for their was no light in it… the light in your eyes. I gave myself to my ex… but when I gave my gift… it was your name I did call. As she and I both know… I could no longer hide the fact I did love you… it was that love that pushed her away. For it made it possible for me to let her leave… I am not saying I could have kept her… for she is her own person as are you. But I did not try for her back. You were with someone else… and I could not bare it. As a jealous fool I ran… I kept running… I could not admit I loved you for I knew I could not have you. In all my heart I know you do love me… but I do have the negative thoughts of the damned. And I shall always think the worst… but I am nothing not even a man anymore… I took that from myself when I was drunk and with someone I did not even love. Their is no excuse for what I did… it was of my own choice. You ask me to forget it but I can never forget I hurt you. I do love you… and I don’t see how I have shown that when all I do is hurt you. I have never lied to you… that is the only thing… I am alone for one reason only now… because I can not touch you. I can not put another close when my heart belongs to you. I wake with the thought of you and I cry myself to sleep with the thought of I can not touch you. Never will I be worth you… never could I. When I hear anothers name my mind turns… for it knows of my hearts pain of not having you. When I think of another touching you my stomach is ripped inside out… tears have fell many times over what I have done. You ask me to forget the past when its as if I am still living it… I still do not have you. In a month I will have a chance but… I.. its ripping me apart. I can not touch you. I still can not believe I love anyone but I truly do know I love you more than anyone else I ever have and greater then I can imagine. All I do is think of you. snaps I love you. I am sorry… I know it may seem that I do not for all I have done to you and it still rips me apart. I have waited as I said I would and I shall… after I made that dark mistake… and I spent the next day in pure tears till I could not find anymore to give… I knew then I truly did love you. I know I can never treat you as good as you deserve… but I do love you. Their was only one wish I have ever made for myself and that was a chance with you… I have made that wish every night since you left me. and I still do every night after. As I will tomorrow night and as I did on yesternight. I love you… I’m sorry for all that I have done to hurt you. And I am sorry I am so negative… I am just afraid. snaps you are an angel and angels do not exist… I am waiting for me to wake up one day and find that you never existed… my life was so dark before you and you are the light that I see… you are the only one that has ever shown any love to me… snaps I love you so much… God I want you so bad… I want to hold you and touch you just to know you are real. I’m sorry but I can not write anymore it hurts to much to remember what I have done and that I have hurt you… all I want is for you to be happy and smile and I just hope it will be because of me… I love you so much.

What would it take for the world to be perfect

What would it take for the world to be perfect? For ever mother to love her son to hold him close. For everyone to be born next to their soul mate. For ever father to carry his son on him shoulders and hold him close. For every daughter to know her parents… for them to love her. For the two chosen by God to meet. To hold each other close. To taste each others lips. To be lost in each others eyes. For everyone to be able to express what they feel with out shun. For popularity not to count. For money… no greed, or corruption. All the evils in Pandora’s box to be captured and sealed for eternity. For everyone to have the chance they deserve. For never a lie to fall. For all to see someone for whom they truly are… not the physical appearance but for the soul and heart… the love they hold for them. For man and woman to walk together as equals… making a complete being. For everyone to feel the love that was intended. For nature not to be scared by our steps. For everyone to no envy the other. But the world is not perfect. That is what makes life a mystery and a challenge. To climb the mountains of pain, to swim the river of tear. One person searching for completion in this world. Struggling. Surpassing obstacles. Life is not bad or good its the people that bring pain to others. Things happen… we can not change them. But we can stop from hurting another. We are just as the one next to use all that separates is thoughts and physical criteria. We all look different. None of us think completely alike. We all like different things. That is why the task is so great to find your soul mate. The one that has the rest of your soul. Together you are whole apart… still searching. Desperate we mistake lust for love. We choose physical beauty over what really exists the soul. We hurt our children. We are all children to someone never forget that. No matter the age or maturity we are all infants compared the world. If I had a choose to be born with the person God choose for me, or as life is. I think my choose was made when I was born. To find this person. No matter the pain… I shall endure to hold her close. To let out fingers touch as I hand her a rose. What another chooses I can not nor would not change. We are all walking this path. Why do we sill hurt another. When they are the same as us. We would take something over love. When love is what we search for. I have said this and I mean it more with each passing day. “If God had made me perfect he would have robbed me of life.” No matter who I am or who I become I do still search will I find her. My mother may never love me but still I do stand up and walk forward on this path of life. To many times have others lost faith. Through all the trials in the end you triumph when you hold that one person. To rest eternally in heaven with that person… with only their soul to see. “What once was is forever if it was true.”

Turn the page

Turn the page… a friendship paid tribute to this drunken cage of questions and confusion. Drunk formed a display which was desired… their after more was. A debate of love… a test of fear. To be hurt, to be love, to lose, to gain. The question of the other that joined in this night… but still the heart and mind is shocked from the fright. Is this one that is so wanting this chance even in sight? I know from my own heart a chance is what even myself desires… this is not of my mind but of an illusion I create for another’s. This daughter obtained… the son followed. Now to decide what is real… with out this false proposal of intoxicating sustainment. Tis funny what happened was shown from it… would it have happened if not for the drink, the nectar that so vividly at first negated wisdom… then both lost sight of inhibitions. For maybe it is their wish… maybe just one, and even maybe none. Confusion where most humans spend most days dreaming, and thinking… and fearing the next morrow. It is sad it was created under these circumstances. For I can say if it was my mind that raged in this… I could not say. This day that tuned to night could have been real or simply delight. But this is one thing I do know… I can never deny my own heart… but at times… my heart denies me its true sight. Welcome to the blight of human thoughts. We all have them… we all share the same. It is the persons being that determines their look and ultimately the circumstances the shed the light for an answer. I can give no answer when in truth I do now know the question. I can chose no path other then my own. God gave us free will… take heed and bare witness. To a kiss. One kiss. In the light of the night… with the moon glowing the hearts showing, and love growing. This shall say. Mistake not a kiss of love for passion of the body. One graceful kiss… if hands wonder then lust is seen, if this kiss lasts then the love is clean. A kiss can tell… for a kiss can not lie. But time does change along with everyone. One night the kiss my sleep then upon the next this same kiss may awaken. For demons dwell in the hearts of those we love. I know this to be true… I know how vile it is to have your heart ripped when an unseen fear is at play… For I have lost my love… to that fear. But to those that have not look hard, see far but keep a close eye for theirs may wonder and yours will die. If you love that person do not take another to your body… if you do then you destroy the others trust and heart. I know it has been done to me and a past yesternight. The fate of everything can lie in a kiss. Let not intoxication breed the foul disclosures of lust… let only hearts guide and the mind live the kiss let it tell… For I can say no more… for despair sets in for I do not even have the chance for that kiss to the one I want.

To close to perfect

To close to perfect… it is true I should have realized sadness was to follow… for I know I do love her more then anyone. All I asked for was a chance. She painted a perfect picture. I looked upon it my heart content now… all I know is despair. I know I do love her. And she might have feelings for someone else. For what am I to do. When I let someone get close… I drop all my protection and give them full tilt to my emotions. I do know I love her. All I want is her happiness… but alas I do have feelings. I do love her and she loves me.

Time

Time… lost useless time. For all that I have spent more shall I pass tomorrow. Wasting away in thoughts and hopes. Learning and losing time. In the time it takes to shed a tear I could be giving a kiss a lover. Everything passes and ends. It is the fate of time. The enemy of our life… the entity that means nothing remains the same. The maker of change for it takes time to build or destroy anything… even my heart. For all the time you would spend to hurt me… it makes me sad anyone would delight in this but I know as they do this their disturbed mind leads them to their own robbery they rob their selves of time. Precious time. When I have my bliss; despite all the pain they would wish upon me for I know that wish takes time to open their evil minds and utter the thought of my desecration. For their own villainy has took from them. The time I spend idly by to write this is gone lost forever with a memory but unlike most worthless meanings this does… for it can be eternal as long as one still reads these words it is eternal and so am I. Because of this I exist in their reality… and the ones that hurt me also do but upon scorn’s throne. We only live for one second then it has passed on to the next second but it is the present as the last was… so this one repetitive second is infinity… then you take the natural law… the law that says we must one day pass to heaven or hell for what we weave on earth is the garment of our soul. And this time wasted is that very garment no matter who you ask everything is a waste in someone’s eyes. For all the games they and you play… time is what shall have the final move. Welcome to the board of life and I deal you the deck… roll the dice for the next tale of fate has come. Now time has left everything around changed in the time you spent to again rip my heart out, time has changed; you lost that, and not a care do I give for you wish hurt upon me. I have a heavy heart without you or another placing more weight upon it. Stab and tear, dig your claws in deep pull and twist, chew and bite rap and mutilate my heart if you dare… all that you give me is pain. In your own rage and insecurity you do this for what purpose? Does my pain mean that much to you? Have you even looked deep into my eyes and see my true pain? You know little of me only what I want… for as does everyone. My life is mystery, a constant enigma; I am a ghost only revealing parts of myself to you. For I know how easy it is to rip my own heart out… I do it enough on my own with out your unwanted help. The more you molest my heart the more my love grows dormant and I have enough time to find my true love, my missing mother, my true friends. Take what you will from me, beat me, leave me, hurt me, scare me, place more scars upon my fractured body… whip me with the chains of emotions… for they tear into my emotional shell as it is… make more pain for me. Notice not time has passed you look to see the clock… turn around and I am gone. You hurt me to much, you drove my heart insane now it is in pain… I leave to find another to do the same. Until I find the one. The one all this time I have spent searching for. Nothing more then time. Noting less then a day. Shy from infinity, possessive of tomorrow for this time does, will, and has passed. And so have I to the next phase… of time.

Through dreams and tears

Through dreams and tears I have lived… I have lost… I have loved. For reality is the dream of our souls. I have hurt and been hurt. For all I am I am nothing more then me. We look to the past… the pain we have felt… we fear the future… while we reject the present… no one can truly say what will happen tomorrow or the next morrow… we all have a part in life. For everyone that reads this I have been a part of your life for this time. I have nothing to give anyone except my love and words. They may be wrong in your eyes… but to me they are true. I am me. I can not be what another wants… when I do not even know what I want to be. I can say the future is… a could of mist and confusion to me and yes I do fear it. I fear the pain, hurt, and sorrow… all that I might face in the next morrow. We have all been given the gift of life. What we do with it is our choice… we face so many pains and hurts… but only in our heart does who we are lie. I have lead many to a false veil from fear… I know that I can only be me… no other can. I am part of life as everyone is… Out of everyone I know… their are so many I do not know. I know that I am alone… and in my heart their is emptiness… I wanted to change that with someone I love. Love is… one of the greatest things. Maybe it is my destiny to never find it… but I can not say what God holds for me… and I know I do not want to know till it is time… after it happens. I can not say the fact my mother does not love me makes it easy… nor the fact… I do not even know my sister. I fear everyone… I always have. For the first time in my life I was going to face my fear… I do not know what will come of it nor if I will have the chance. I know I am still young and I do grow physically, emotionally, and mentally. It seems every time I hurt… I learn more. I understand more of what is happening in life… but I am still more confused… so many answers I want… but love is what my soul and heart seeks. This pond of tears… that I have created with time… so many ripples it has felt but not from the fall of tears… but from the light of hope, and love. I was at the darkest time… in my life so far… but then I still do not remember what happened… my heart was purified… its as if someone poured their love in to me… I held my head high today… the first time… I cant even remember if I ever had before. I do not know… anything of tomorrow… just what happened today. I still feel empty and alone… I can not understand this content… I know that this is nothing I could do for myself. Its almost as… if my soul was almost complete for a second… I awoke this morning… with more light in my eyes then I have ever imagined… my tears that I weep sparkle… for they are tears of joy… I do not even know why I have them… nor why I feel this way. Its as if all my pain can not touch me… I do not know if I will feel this way tomorrow… nor if I ever will again. But its… I have bliss for one day. With no reason that I know of… I can only speculate and guess… but from the content in my heart I know… I am being loved… I can feel it… all the way to my soul… for nothing has ever reached this far into me. Nothing. I do not know if this love I feel is a gift from God or… my soul mate… but I know for this person I do not know to give me this… to pull me up from my pain. I have no chains of emotions… every time I started to remember I was pulled to the light… Some day I will know this being that has shown me this happiness… it may even be in heaven but someday I will. Looking back upon this… their is no error… every word is right to me. I can never explain how or why I feel this way… for I do not even truly know. I find no hate for myself… nor anyone else. For everything I have done and not done… I have the next morrow… I always will have. My love can not and will not die. I know I have found the answer about my love… that no matter how many times I am hurt… left alone. I have love… I can love. And someday the one I love will want this. Maybe I know her… maybe I have only dreamt of her… in a forgot lost dream. But I know she exists… for the first time in my life I know she exists. On earth, in heaven… in my heart she exists. I know on some morrow I will again hurt… but this light of hope can never truly be extinguished from all the pain I have had I have never lost it… it has dimmed from pain and despair. We are all here… searching. We all share the pain and fear. We are all afraid of something this is what we all have, we have all been hurt and shall be hurt. From the closest person next to you or the one still lost from your sight we all have many things alike. We hurt, we bleed, we cry, we can love… everyone can love… something… it might be pain… to them or others… it might be their child(ren)… it might be God… or another in their life or someone they still wait to see in their life. I could have seen my soul mate even talked to her… maybe even passed her… but I know one day we will meet. We have eternity a soul can live forever… I can wait for that love… I wait to give all of my heart to that love… and my soul. It is something only she can take… I can not see the stars… the night is black but I know they are their in my mind with all of my memories… of pain… and tomorrow I will have this memory. If I end my life with only this memory of love then I can say it is worth it. I may fall to despair again… and I know I shall cry again… but I know I will always love and hope. We are all human and make mistakes… but forgiveness is found only in the heart… I hold no one accountable for what has happened in the past… for it has passed. Time does heal all wounds… I never believed it till now. For I can not find any sadness in any of my memories. I remember the ones that hurt… but now they do not… tomorrow they shall… but I know from all of this pain… I have gained. In heaven you shall see the person for what they really are… and know all that has happened every lie told I shall know one day. But for every insecure lie for what ever reason does not mean it was bad or for their sake… most are but not everyone of them. I have spent all of my life fearing love… and rejection… but when I find this person, my soul mate I will not be… forever she may for fate had not chose it right… we live… and do so many things and have so many chances but when she does appear and I know it is her… I will be hers as she is mine then we are… only one. A pure soul… full of love and light. If she rests in hell then God shall bring her to me… we all make mistakes… we know so little… we lead our life as we see and by our morals… I have not formed mine from society or another but from what I feel in my heart is right. I will never deny it… I can never deny my heart. For I know it does guide me… it may take me to pain… and hurt… but that only strengthens my love and hope. Every time I am hurt… I shall now remember this memory and from all the pain that ripples my body and tears that fall… from the chains of emotions and the circle of pain this only forms one thing… proof. Proof of why I hold love so high. I am not great nor beautiful as some say I am only me and I believe what I feel is right. I do not care what anyone thinks of me. I live my life by my morals and the path my heart shows. Every day that you live you are loved by God. But you have your soul… he did not abandon us but he gave us the freedom to live… and love. He is all around and in your heart if you want him to be… we are all human… and mistakes, pain, fear, sadness, joy, love, hope, hate… every emotion and thing that we feel and happens in our life… every person we meet, every thing we learn. If life. Its a part of all of us. You are apart of me and I am apart of you. I am just one man and I have hurt… one day you as well as everyone will know how much I have hurt… we will know… for in the cross roads we shall see… everyone deserves a chance… and I give everyone a chance… I give them my trust if they rip it from me… it is their doing not mine but I know we all make mistakes for I alone have made many… but that is what made me who and what I am today from everything that has passed and will happen… be felt… learned… experienced. It is what shall make me who I am. I am nothing more the a soul… my soul… incomplete and still empty but my love does fill enough of it. And someday another’s will fill it fully… and then we shall create heaven… for it ours as it is yours to create. I know lay this to rest as I do my body and mind… my heart never will till that one day when I have her… my soul never will for it shall continue to search then when it has found her it shall pour my love into her. I am ready to face to morrow and from what it brings even if sorrow follows I shall face the next morrow with this memory, love, faith, and hope.

Thinking

Thinking… wondering. These silent thoughts… silent gateways to confusion. With every thought a new question is brought to sight. Stepping forward to face the question to test my answer… lying on the ground; flung to earth with the realization that I forgot the first question… and myself. For what reason did I ponder? For whom what this answer meant for? Who have I become? Who was I? I have changed so much since… I awoke from my falsified dream. I test my time hating myself, I look as the worlds darkness rests solely in my heart. That I am the cause of the pain. With the passing of the next thought comes the next phase in the loathsome passage of confusion. I wanted to show someone who I really was… but I could not even find who I was. I tell how foolish it is to run… when I have been running my whole life. Afraid of what someone would think… if I could just… afraid to love to get hurt again… to have them leave, to die. Afraid of being loved for I never want to hurt anyone… but I shall someday pass… for if someone cares a tear shall fall… because of me. because I did not push them away… but in doing that if I fail to soon enough and they start to care then I am… Torment. Resolution or desolation? With every thought I learn… but I forget more of myself. I want to know who I am why I think the way I do and why I have the mental blocks I do… but I lose more understanding of my former self with the realization of I know less of who I am now. My childhood is a blur… now. I used to know what I did and remember the thoughts I had… but now I cant ever remember how I felt about something of someone. I cant remember if I even suffered or felt joy. So I again go into thought to remember to learn who I am… and I emerge mentally naked, confused even further. Falling from the grace of knowledge. I look for a reason in everything… but I don’t even know the reason for… me. why am I this way. Why can I not remember who I was. I can see myself… but I cant remember who I am. I know my name, most of my past. But not who I really am. I see myself in a mirror… only because by natural law it is to be a reflection of me… I wonder who lies deep inside those brown eyes… my brown eyes. What is the secret I lost and keep staggering another vague reaction in its place. Am I meant to be hated, or loved. Why can I not see what is happening to me, why can I not understand? A world constantly spinning… to sudden stop. Standing up, the blur of my surroundings, the lost thoughts almost found, the dizziness almost passed… the spinning again continues. I cant accept who I am… I’m afraid of myself… because I don’t even know if its really me. the same child lives inside me, along with the man… but whom am I? Their is a gap… the bridge that linked the two cliffs of past and present. I have not a memory of it. Nor of growing up to say. I’m still the same child afraid and scared of life… of the pain it brings and of the joy and love it could… yes I am truly afraid to be happy. I have felt it few times… and I did not think… I did not have to I was free of the pain… and I’m scared. Scared of life and love of sadness and joy. The only thing I do not fear is death… I may have regrets of not completing something… and the hurt I will cause when I do die… but not of what shall happen. I fear more of life. I.. I… I don’t even know who I am walking on this twisting road of life. I am but a coward to afraid of his own shadow. I even fear what I want, love and happiness. And I don’t even know why.

The tearful coming

The tearful coming of the un-dead resolution to lay to rest the pain that dwells in every man, woman, and child’s mind. Tearing and stripping the thin walls… these that confine my mind. The walls of my flesh. The walls or reason… now I take that. For their is no reason. You seek a logic in me… for their is none. Only what I say and feel. Dig your nails deeper in my flesh if you wish… for I do not feel the pain. You can kill me but these thoughts shall never die… they shall forever remain with my soul and I shall remember every hurt and everyone that has hurt me… seek your refuge but their is none. This is hate. Born from pain. Tore from the joy that gave birth to the love that blessed the damned. Seek what you will… but you will not like what you find. You venture though my thoughts… the picture we paint… your mind’s view born from my words and emotions. You have no control here… you can only read or run. You fear me… what I am thinking… what I shall write next. You debate to continue or to run… just run you always do. The scared child to afraid to face the truth. To face what you do not understand. Be you a coward? …or shall you stay… now I have you… foolish. In such few words I appealed to your pride. But you read in fear for you afraid to lose it… to run. To be known as a coward but I will not tell… but you will always know. Again? Yes it is said. And sad. What sense to I make… little to you less to me. More to the one that read this before you and all shall come to one after you. Betrayal I can hold you accountable for all that has happened to even though I have to rational backing… but do I seem sane to you? Should I? Honestly why would I? I fear what few thing and I care for even less. The pretty soft feather or the angel… dumb of you not to notice the blood stains… wait you can not see… can you. But you know I am dark and I would have something to say about it… but you forgot. Well fear not they always do. You know give spite upon my name and fear to my existence and scorn to my birth. Do as you wish for I do them to. But before you promote the scorn upon me see how I am different then you. You think it… but I say it. To afraid of your own thoughts… of you heart what you want. What you could have. Afraid what will happen tomorrow if you do. And you think me the insane one. Well I thank you for such a beautiful compliment if sanity means I am part of society’s puppets… thinking in the hive mind then call me insane. I know the world is fucked… I don’t just say it I see it… an I watch it. And you and everyone that would live in it unaware. Now I have but one thing to say leave you bore me.

The same question

The same question… the same answer still not present. Many ask… and I have not answered. They say why do I fear love and being loved. A mother is suppose to love her son. Many years I have matured under the same endowment is love. Her love. The love of others. I have had two lovers… both have given me a lie… a lie a gift of falseness. Trickery and deceit. Leaving my mind in confusion. My heart ripped and torn. Every time I get close I am crushed. Still they ask why I fear love. Why I hold back why I hold my silver tongue… I am but a serpent a nil and passive serpent. My red tongue seducing others. I pull the knowledge with an impending thought. I become a mirror I show how they are… what they say. I negate compassion in my bitter rain of words. I tell as they do. I sink to the desecration of pain just as they live… I have sunk from lies. Still it seems only I have a heart. No. Only 2 in my life that I know of have never lied to me. I hold one that has higher then most for admitting a lie is but a hard task… forsaking the pain you can endure the tears that fall from the successors eyes… for they have the secession of the lie… the after birth of it. What once was true never will be… for all is a lie in someone’s eyes. Only the true truth is in the keepings of all light. All they we have to gain from lies is pain and scar tissue embedded deep in our heart. With all these lies and all the hurts I have felt how can they still ask. I ask myself why do I still trust anyone… when everyone hurts me. I should have learned when as a child I was dropped… my mother let my frail body plummet to the floor… where I am always pulled to. The embracing ground… after every fall. I still feel the pain, the tears that I wipe from my face for I have no one else to do it for me… my battered body crawling… struggling to get back to my feet. From their I walk on. My head my never be held high. But I do not hide who I am. I do not deceive others. I do hold back saying things I should say but that is emotions and thoughts I feel… and maybe I am the only one that feels them. Still they ask. I have but a question for your question. A child raised to fear love… for nothing good from it has he endured all is pain and tears. His body battered and bruised from being pushed to the ground. All that he has loved have rained down upon him. If he opens his heart he open the gates to let the dogs feed upon his tattered remains. Upon his tombstone shall be engraved. Love lies and bitter cries. You say love is possible and that child did believe it so. Even after his mother told him she loved him. Though his youth love meant this child was a failure. Taught to fear love. Not by others but by life. This loving mother the one that loves him… through out the years lies have came to sight unseen till the pain is done… then repence for them is erected… now the lies and pain must unwind… betrayed. Is he not to be afraid? Still he held love high. He waited to find love to give himself to the one he loved. And did find someone… soon after they left him just as everyone else has. Neglected by all that say they love him. Is he not to learn love is to be alone? This child’s mother the one that teases his heart and emotions with her death… still in his heart with every passing month another lie falls… for once again she is ill… or that is what come from her lips to him. In good health she sits… for this child can not know. All he has to learn from is others. Actions speak louder then words… if you say you love someone then hurt them… do they not believe love is but pain. Leave someone in darkness then ask them to step in the light… then you spite them for they are afraid or the light for they have never seen it. When they do their pale skin is burn and chapped from the sun… then you wonder why they still fear it when all it does is bring pain… but alas is they take the light in small steps soon they will walk far in it… but love can not be taken in small steps for the heart will not stand… and a broken heart can only crawl. Love is a lie to this child then you ask why does a small lie matter when most of this child’s pain is upheaved from a lie. Then you understand what a lie is to him… so you negate the truth to this child. To this child a friend is but the teller of lies… used he lowers his head. This child was held in high regards by all. And a few idolized him. All the other children wanted to play with him… they deceived him just to get his admiration… but they lost his respect. Left with only himself to trust… is to think the world is bad or is it just him? You ask why he is so negative… when life showers pain you learn preparation is the key to survival. When this child grows up and becomes a man you ask him why he still fears love… If you are raised to fear something do you not fear it? How can this child trust love when it has been hurt from it so many times? Someone tells him they love him then hurt him. How is to trust them? Yes this child does believe in love but no as others have shown him. Love to him is great then they would portray. Many say they love someone then give their body to someone else that is not love. In this chaotic world is he to believe love is possible. Still he does love. The holds the one he love close if he can… his head laid upon their shoulder… his eyes filled with tears of joy… how can he see their hand rising… to bury the knife in his weak back? To predict his heart will be ripped from his chest… his soul rapped… again pushed to the ground. Still you ask. And you have your answer.

The fuselage of dream

The fuselage of dream ravaging my mind… staying till the dawn. Changing the flow of thought. For whom do I owe this blow of horrific and gracious chaos. Awaking and questioning, sleeping and dreaming the answer. Phase to the destruction change to resolution, sleep till the next morrow, and wake the dawn of today. Falling deeper into the abyss, the systematic disillusion of fantasy. The obscurity of reality. The bitter display of fake and pretend. The false shelter, the real confusion of the ground. The futile embrace of pain, the fetal kiss from joy. The stunning clock of the damnation dwelling deep in my mind. The mask I wear, this tapered mask falling from my face… my soul. The eyes of one burning through. My wall melting, my mind sweating, my heart racing, my soul locking in fear. Another push… away they go. To close. They almost saw me… and I cant even see myself. With everyone I push away, and every time I change to keep them at bay I lose myself. And they keep getting closer. And again in fear I run. I want someone to get close… but my heart and subconscious does not… so they are pushed away. And then I dream. Always the same dream… and little do I remember as the day grows to dusk… the memories of this dream turn to dust… and from the ash of the night and sleep heavy in my eyes… a courier does appear and to the dream world I disappear. And again awaking with the remains of the dream stuck in my brain… and as the day passes to my thoughts the pain surpasses all. Lost in thought. Found only in absence. Many have said I think to much, and I have always responded that I think to little because I miss some small detail… but I do think to much. I act as if with my thoughts good or bad I some how change the outcome of something… I feel as if every time I think of the outcome of something it never happens good or bad so I turn my thoughts to negative. In some raw hope that things will for once turn good… a clinical error on my part. For everything that happens why dwell upon it. Why try to change something when I know that I can not. The same as this same dream at one point I am always in control… its as real as life… not obscurities or oddities, pain is real the tension in my body, the fear in my mind, I can fell my body as it is real, the sweat dripping into my cuts bring the surge of stinging pain. I cling to the past… what happened I think of how today would if different if only I did this or did not do something or say something. I can not change what happened, so why thinking about it I found my mistake or seemingly mistake. Every time I feel the tension of today, or I start to forget or even start to smile, I bring a memory from the past… but it is laced with pain… for I then conclude in the back of my whimfull head to develop a bond between this happy memory and the pain that followed it. Only to deny myself today. This is how I run how I push them away… I bring up what hurts them… I make them remember only to push them away and destroy my future. But why do I do this? I can only say I am afraid. I fear what I do not know… what could happen. And of being loved and being happy. Every time I lose the remembrance of my pain… I force it upon myself. And as always I am alone and depressed after. Why? I achieve nothing from this… only pain and sorrow. I do this in everything. Every time I start to forget. Every smile I bring that is true. I torture myself… and those that care about me. I push those I wish to be close further away only for fears sake. Not of my own. For what ever it is that dwells in my mind to prevent me from letting go… it robs me. I must face this fear… or all hope shall disappear. I need to let go of the past… all the pain that I have been dealt. All that I have lost. I must let go or I shall gain nothing but more pain and absence. I need to stop thinking… and live life just as I write. No thought from start to finish and uninterrupted period of just doing, no stopping to think; to check to wonder what if I said or did this to make it better… or would it be different it this happened… I realize more of myself in my writing then I do in my thoughts… and all of this is spawned of a dream. The same reoccurring dream I have dreamt since I was little… once in my life I did not have this dream… and for once in my life I know how understanding of my dream. You can not change the past… nor what shall happen. But you can live life!

The cradle that kept me

The cradle that kept me, the candle that burns in ones heart for me. A child born dead. A man dies alive. How long have I been dead? Dead to myself… dead to… life. A haunting calling… chills ripping thought my spine, my body set to ecstasy. My life in stasis. My mind in full charge. My heart confused and serrated. My soul… a misfortune that no words can describe. I once watched a child play… so much life and energy flowed from the child as an imaginary world was created to sustain this child’s ambition of a playful fantasy. How that child came to be me I can not understand. Long ago in infancy we had no pain only hunger that was soothed from love and care… for most. So many lies to be brought to light… so many I let live till fate shows them false. Even in knowing they will dissipate in truth I still let them live in reality. Time… so much has passed yet only one second do I live. Time tells all, for in time we shall know all that has been hidden from us. As such all shall know my past… few will see much wrong with it… I however grieve as my former actions. To live without compassion or love; what possessed me to such way? Pain pushed, fear was born… I ran. So weak in life am I. So much can hurt me, so much can destroy me. Only one thing can save me. I fight a balance within myself. A balance that was never there. Much like a child playing, I live life. Taken all as if it is real in my mind, when I know deep down such is a lie. If one would let me live a lie then I say, little care do they give. If one would forsake me then I say, foolishness was born, and even I now admit I am not as tainted as I invision myself nor am I as worthless as my mother and I would have anyone to believe. Let one give me love, let me give that one love, then let them bring me out. And then let the world see what I hide is not dark as I tell. More so of a fear. A fear divided between my two greatest fears; love and happiness. As sick as I have been, plagued with pain and misery. A disease called despair. I am still strong enough to help many, and strong enough to achieve as I wish. With the turn of the tide this sickness forms to a ravage rebuke more greater then any sickness can drag me down can I repeal to the opposite and grow far stronger, in both emotions, and life. To create something great from the foundation of another you must first tear down what was once there. As with a relationship, shelter, a body, and me. How much stronger am I then a year ago? My sickness has brought a pale tent to my body, gravity can hold to less for I weigh a lot less, my muscles have diminished, my mind has lost a lot of knowledge, yet more about life have I gained, and my emotions… far greater have they came. My weakness then is now my strongest feature. Easy is it to gain the other… physical limits are easily broken and surpassed but emotional… hard indeed to gain. Yet I am surpassed at myself in many cases still yet. I wonder if I give to much faith to one, to much trust, and even to much love… then I remember my doubt, and how I would dare to push anything that can help me away. Funny… one hurts for so long, you would almost think they would seize the change for happiness… yet they would deny that from fear, fear of it ending… and fear of the unknown. In this case I am at fault. Yet again I leave myself more confused about myself, life, and everything. I know what I want… I know what I want to do. Yet I can not understand why or how I want either. I want my fear to be faced… but not to end the fear because I feel a lacking in my life as such I had never imagined. Curious I am, for could this wind of change vent a fire that would burn me or could it spread a wildfire of my heart? Either truth is known or it is not. Either way it shall be in the end, and the one that spoke the lies shall face penance.

Take me away take me to heaven

Take me away take me to heaven. Take me your arms. Wipe my tears… hold me close. Love me and let me love you. Let me look in you eyes and see you looking back with love in yours. Take my fragile hand… walk with me to find the pieces of my broken heart. Together mend it… but please don’t break it. I am scorned, I am feared. I am afraid and alone. I am confused. I am… hurt. What dirty magic is this? Tempted with false love. Foolish lies but I have only myself to blame for believing them. From all that would help they only hurt. My mother you bitch you have ripped my heart out so many times then you tell me you love me. I am nothing and something no one wants. But I know how I feel about love and that is not love. Love is not pain it is bliss. A joyous could of care and want… the caressing of angels. All the flowers in the world blooming in my dark heart. The golden rays of the sun pouring down brightening my eyes, cutting through the darkness. In my chest their is a hole… where my heart was ripped from me. And my hand was taken with it for I still hold my grip upon it. You say no one can love me if you do not… mother no one is as you are most are not as cold hearted. Mother please do not walk in the sun today… I don’t want you heart to thaw and for you to love and have a conscious. I want one to take me from this pain. To love me, and mother that is not you! I have lived my life with a false mother it is called hate. My father was pain. And I am the bastard son of hate… but in my dark heart is love. Something no one has every completely ripped from me. When I am alone with no one watching I cry… I die. Alone with my pain, sorrow, guilt, confusion. How easy I could have redemption for I have watched from all the knowledge I have I could rip their hearts out as they did mine. I could be as you would want me… to make everyone hurt. You said I could break her heart as she did mine to teach her… but mother I am not as that. I have my morals and I can not give another pain as they and you have given me. You gave birth to me but I have no mother. I am the bastard son of hate. I spite you and everyone that would hurt me… for I can not hurt another it is not my way.

Stand firm

Stand firm in your belifes… one who would dare snare or belifes is a true enemy… instead of looking for a belife to uphold… I was looking for an enemy. I wage a war with no other then myself. How weak have I became? Standing close… stagiring away… Dreams born of realities decay… a dismale embrace as my nightmares play. With little left to say. I question everything of myself. My past, presten, and future choices. My belifes. Even my existance. So much pain so much despair for I have hit the tarp of dirt… an earthly tomb, a grave of emotions. At one time… I feared nothing… I felt no pain, no love, no compasion, only hate… now I fear what I desire the most.

I grow tired of writing my thoughts

I grow tired of writing my thoughts… why do I? No gain to I receive. Few reply or give any hint to my existence. How many actually read what I write anymore? Wasting no time… straight to the point… the knife point buried deep inside. The point of the nails that rip my heart. The point I wish to make. The point of no return. The point of change. The point of sanity on the verge of insanity. The point when… you are submerged in life. When the waters of pain flow and the tide has rose… a wake splashes across your face… I again grow tired. I honestly wonder how someone would look at me… how you the reader reading this right now would. Everyone says I am so dark… and evil. I speak of helping people and how suicide is so wrong, and giving up and running is wrong also. I tell of how God is in my life. I harness the darkness only to express the pain that I feel and in a way which most can relate… and I am evil for this. “Blame everyone for something wrong with the world… and the world shall blame you.” Many have asked why I stop writing for so long… and most of my readers left with me… because I simply and honestly get tired of no response I apologize to the few that do reply. To the others that read anything I write at least say you read it… if you write then you honestly know what its like. If I read a poem I always leave some note about it. Good or bad. Call it a pet peeve if you will… you have a way to reply so do so… hey that makes sense if I read a poem ill at least give the author some idea of how to change the writing structure or the wording… and let that person know the if the grammar content or structure is appropriate to me… ya know irony kinda sux… after all of this I just remembered I failed English so many times its not funny 11th once and comp I two times… anyways help me out here along with all the other poets… reply give them an idea of what to do.

Guilty

Guilty… sentenced. Redemption impossible. Take heed. I am of a dead breed. To none shall my seed pass. For I am a disgrace. The comfort for me is but my mothers bitter embrace. A funeral… a friend. A brother. Respect. Pain. Guilt. Fate took a friend to heaven… is wish fulfilled. His brother safe. I went… despite my beliefs and wisdom. As his decree was to see his brother free I did help… a hatred born in his father only comforted by my pain. Now all are free. Upon that holy ground… the realm of the dead. Where my body laid beaten and broken… Like a beaten dog I rested. Unable to strike for I kept my promise. A promise I made never to strike his father. Never. And I did not. I knew as such would happen. His vengeful scorn I did embrace… for it was my fate. I do feel the guilty. And as they say if I had not helped him take his brother from his fathers vile fist… this would never have happened. But it was as he wanted his brother is safe. Never could a display of sibling compassion be more shown. I went not to say “Good bye” and admit he was gone for he shall always live in my heart and mind. I went to accept my fate. For it was my fault. His father wanted my death and a day sooner he would have passed such unto me… I knew this to be true just as Jacob’s mother had told me. had I went when many think I should I may possible be just a memory… how can a memory love someone? How can a memory help the ones that person loved? After my cleansing or hateful scorn… my body broken… my internal blood tainting the ground. My lungs filled… a mothers arms around me… the tears falling upon my neck. One arm placed under my shoulder. The other… seeking more pain for me pay. Around my side… pushing my broken ribs. More blood forming in my lungs. For none dare I show. Choking, unable to breath. For I did sacrifice myself. As I should have. No harm did I believe would come. How wrong I was. The pain I was inflicted means none… the pain of a mother losing a son is my guilt. Why Jacob did return I do not know. Why his father did not finish my demise I do not know either. From one hateful scorn from the other loss. I comforted both still with the guilt in my heart… at the cost of my body and emotions. Jacob would never have wanted to see such a display of pain from me. But still I went. I went not knowing if I would live. I went almost hoping not to. To pay for my sin. For I did not stop his death. I was unaware. Some how I should have just as both his mother and father said. This brother… his younger brother, the one we both tried to free, looked at me and did decree that nothing was my fault. And said Jacob believed me as a brother. I was never worthy of this nor will I ever be. I could not save Jacob. My friend 3ft away I could not say as the bullet flew into his head… why did it not pass through me also? Maybe fate has chosen me to suffer… to life humbly with this guilt. But I can not. No humbleness shall anyone see in my eyes. Not happiness; none can be found with this guilt. After my cleansing I still feel the guilt. For everything I could have stopped but I was no there, unaware. I should have! Their must have been away and I should have found it. I looked for comfort on the yester morrow in 3. Only one answered… truly answered. The other 2 did care… but one… one helped me. The only friend that has always been at my side. But I wanted comfort in another. But pain. The pain that I deserve is what I received. 3 words did come… the 3 words that shall always seal me. “I hate you” Hate ~ Wishing someone never was, will be, or can be. Their by all their actions, words; everything good and bad done from them erased from existence forever… eternally lost. Maybe I should never have been born as my mother says… but I can not say that for true for I have helped and I have saved lives. And still shall for the cost of my own life. I’m still dying. And my heart is growing weaker instead of better now. No hunger do I have… my skin pale. My body lighter… 92lds. And falling. Little sleep for I do not deserve. For I am the guilty as I have been. Every action I do hurts someone and I can not stop it. And I can not recede again for a promise… and even if I could that would mean I could no longer help. Still I shall not fall. And still I have no one standing at my side… I thought one may but bitter hate was my blessing from fate. Alone. As I always have been and forever shall be.

Fudeal release

Fudeal release… learning. Foolish, cunning, evil… the present no more the past a memorie of pain, the future… blank. Again doning a mask. Again learning. Nothing did she see. Nothing did she learn. Nothing of who I am. I wore a seprate mask for to… the intertwining threads deceiving. Thought of as a fool. Blantant disrgard on ones behalf. She knew, she read. Was it so easy to forget who I am. Was it so easy to paint the picture. Embodying a false persona. Weaving the web. No harm did I give none… just as always I waited for pain. That which teaches. I offer my blessing to her. Go forward in life… and I pray you never feel as I have. For a toy I was… a mocking pleasure. Rythmic record… for now their is discord. Still in the shadows… still surviving… I thank both for this pain. For I know… what is pure to me that another does not share was just proven to be true. The pain I felt is but a lession. A trial in life. And now I go to jury… awaiting the word of the judge fate. They dont even realize the truth.

Still are the waters that lie

Still are the water that lie… silent into the night. To await the next fright… far from sight. Dying, crying alone. Bathed in my own tears… accepting my fears. Negated by love… waiting to see the white dove. For now and tomorrow I shall cry. Maybe even till the day I die. But I shall not kneel. Upon a promise made… I again fall pray to fate. Torment shadows… fallen am I. The teething returns and the darkness engulfs me I am the demon that resurrects pain. I hurt all. Soon maybe I shall fall. I see the reconcile… I live in my others denial. I am but the sinner. Soon I shall break the seal. To the next hand of fate I shall take my stand till the next card fate does deal. Betrayed. Lost gone. My own destiny lost. My life nothing more then torture to others. To most here I am an idol… on the follow. Wanted by many, still I can not see love lest in one. And I do love her. Upon the steep cliff again… watching the cool icy waters… the deadly screams as the waves embrace the rock shores. One step is all that would take for me to break. As my body crashes into the waves trusted in the rocky shores feeling my bones break my insides implode. My ribs relocated to my black heart… my blood mixing with the salty waters. My white teeth now red… upon these rocks all can say I am dead. Again awaking.
In the play ground of pain. Stepping over the dead bodies of the fallen. For I am hate. I am the pain. I live in the blight. I am home. Following the bloody path. No I see the dire pain indeed. An angel hung upon a rope made from my own brown thread. Her face pale white lest the blood stains from the scratches upon her face. The dead body hanging. The shrikes of laugher from the shadows this was not what I wanted… for now in the angels place a demon does roam. Still nothing can I do. I am but a man. For ever hurt I see I can only do so much. Foolish was it of me to think I could help. For all is lost. And I am just a ghost. Of a demon. I am all that destroys. How can I heal when all I is hurt. I am nothing but the carnage in your heart. Still I do try and still I do fail. Again looking to the angel… her blood soaked dress… raped by the demons. Still I do not know who I am. I just remember how it is to hurt. How easy it is for me to become as I was. To hurt on purpose only for my gain. Fuck their pain. I am me. I stand for me. fuck this place for now I set pace… to fall from grace. To taste all the blood. But this is not my way… how many have I hurt. For it does hurt me also. How many say when I help someone. For I am to be higher then most. My so-called friends. Helping someone up… watching the savages and snakes turn to me… for I did wrong I care. Now a choice face their wrath or surrender the stranger. But I still do as I feel is right… I help. My mind is gone… nothing is want does remain.

Shattered dreams lonely hysteria

Shattered dreams lonely hysteria… dying and now knowing how or why. Lost… is my soul. Fallen an I. I am empty I feel as if I have nothing left to give this world… or anyone in it. Falling pray to the despair. No one to talk to or to hold my shaking body… the only hands that touch my face to wipe the tears is my own. I have no real mother. My mind is but ravenous decay of dead thoughts and hopes. My heart shattered… broken to a piles of dust… blown away by the wind of silence. I can no longer look in the mirror with out wanting to slit my own throat. Love… lonely… lost. Never to be for I am the sacred sinner. Alone no words to comfort no one to hold me. I can find no reason to keep the faith now. No love can I give when can not give it to the one I want. Still my morals do stand or I would have fell between anothers legs… that which she did ask me to take. As many others have… but I do live my life by my morals not of the puppets and lust slaves. I want nothing of sex… but love is a truly lacking… unfelt emotion placed to far from me. Losing lost dead fled. A truly… a deity… no thoughts all is chaos every thought and natural instinct is but of my own death. Never have I felt such a calling… and maybe my feelings are right I have nothing left to give. Everyone I fall for… ends up hating me… and again leaving me alone. I have strayed far from most after one did rip my heart from my chest. I pull my nails across my face and fell my skin ripped from it.. I see the drops of blood… I can no longer endure this…
Lonely as I am. Afraid of life… of being hurt. Few say the love me but at this point I do not believe it for I am alone… a watchful eyes approaches… no it was not just a illusion of hope. What is real? For I am not just a dark nightmare in the dreams of others. I am a plague… an unwanted person in a world full of puppets. Unloved un-content. And un-mothered. I feel the chains of emotions pulling… and my body falling. I want to die. I want to taste my own blood… savor the moment till I die… then watch myself fade as I will and listen as my name is no longer called, no one remembered me. Taking hold… looking at the stars… for this shall be the last. No one cares. No fear do I have for I have nothing left… a slave to the bitter puppets. I am a man I have nothing left to give hence I have no porpoise… struggling striving when I watch others fall still I stand up. Hate… its sweet grace flowing in my mind… to tear all that sustains me to watch myself as I die… to feel the last of my passing… my white teeth rooted deep in my wrist… the crimsoned wine… feeling what.. nothing. I feel nothing I am empty. I have fell from grace… without a trace. Staring in the mirror… listing. Taking the angel that watches over me… now sustained in a rope bread across her neck. Cutting all bonds for I shall be the only one that shall savior this moment. The one fate has… I shall fall from this wall of my own dark fear. Foolish was I for ever wanting love when I can not have it. How many say they do… when tomorrow they will not. How many will cry… soon after they will not. Pulling for all I have left to hold this knife from cutting my wrist… its blade tempered with my lighter… for nothing hurts me more then heat… and soon I shall have all. For I do deserve it… no saint am I. I guess it was to be so for I was given the name of three saints… I know my mother and father did not do this on purpose for I am the failure. I have never rose to any expectations other place before me. I am me no other. I am ME. Foolish and dumb, weak dying. And soon dead……. Pain. I feel the ravenous sting of heat upon my wrist as the blade is pulled across my weak pale wrist. For I have sinned again I have polluted me ground with my blood.
Thoughts nothing more for… this how others as me do feel. We are alone. I shall never take my own life for I have pushed myself to the edge once again. If I truly wanted to I would be dead. I know I have nothing left and I am empty and unloved and I do feel alone. And I do want to die. I can not even hold anyone I love. I have not true friends I can look in the eye and talk to.

Searching for an answer

Searching for an answer, looking to the past for wisdom… remember the pain, and what grow. It was a pillar of light we did share… now I am but a scourge… something only pain will emerge with. The world is spinning… dark and engulfing. I question everything that happened yesterday. I fear the future. I hate now. So close… so far. Looking a cross the ocean, this same ocean I used to ponder tomorrow… swimming in its shallow warm waters. Now I can not see past the shore… nothing blocks my view but I can not look. Now I am a blind fool. But even in this I hurt. Every direction I look… I see little hope. From every window I peer… all sight is negated and blocked. When I go to open the door… it burns my hand… and will not turn… for this door wants to stay closed… but my heart and mind desires to see.

Taking shape.

Taking shape; falling from the pillars. Staggering all life. Bleeding from the wound wound so deep in my heart. Feeling pain… learning. From chaos breeds my sanity. Turn away. For I am indifference. I am the one that has denied my heart so many times. I forsake my love I disclose my own happiness. How many have uttered the words of love to me… the words they so solemnly swear never another shall hear from them. A vow I know that will be broken, a promise they own mind shall not keep. Love is not flesh love is of the heart, the personality the very soul. So many tell of my coldness of heart for I can deny my emotions. I am easy to stir but none have kept me. A foolish piety of lies tells me the Bering of all. For a joke of lust is what first shook my pillars. A sick pleasure I do delight in the pain. What I learn from it, what I can hold back of my own self. This is why I have hide myself so deeply amidst all of the sadness. The hatred that I turned to love, is my eyes. My emotions are my senses. An action expected, a dismissal foreshadowed by fate, the past actions of one give focus to the future… the present but a cloud of wrought confusion as the two clash to form their different phases. A trick brought fourth from myself… born breed in their lies and deceit. All would take me a fool, a toy for their amusement. My strings were cut so long ago. A toy with more control over the master then the master would have over me. So much have hidden. So much have I neglected to show… so much have I teased them with. I place all the truth so close; I wait to see if they can find it. None do. Few have I not done this to for no error, or lie to do they give me that I can see. I am a man. A human this is my restraint. This that keeps me from turning my knowledge to evil properties… again. How much of the world have you seen? How much of your own heart do you know? How much of another do you know? Three questions that make men a dimi-god. Human nature is so easy to manipulate and turn. Again one, that same as the last, spoke of love. As they betray that love they do not even notice how quick their eye turns to another. They admit such a fault to me. So much I could tell them of their own hearts, minds, and very souls. Was I chosen by hate to always endure? I am the one they so vilely tell of love and betray those words, the one a mothers love shall never grant. The one that chooses this pain over happiness. I have so many times and shall again. To keep from hurting one I would stay in torment. How so many can not see me… see what I know. How many truly will forget that I am the one that writes this. I am the one that sees it. I take shape from others that I have seen. I let them see as they would want. Foolish and dumb, ambling through life, I stand hiding my eyes that which would give me away. The chains of emotions that have always pulled me grow weaker. I am breaking free… not of them but of emotions. All dim with each passing day. But an artificial dismissal is what does this… they do not truly disappear they only are blocked. This is reality. I am a mere spectator I can feel nothing. No love or hate, not pain or joy. This is where I am dangerous. With one word I can cut to the bone… though the flesh they find their passion in… lust is not love. The lust I do keep is that of my own blood shed still… that shall never change. However I keep my life flowing. Any chance for death I take is me falling down and I never shall. The words is not one sided. How many dare to look at just their view. Mocked for my pain… cursed and dismayed. How foolish. Many did partake in this advancement of lies, lust. I am but one… and so easily did they not see my pain. The humor I found in this was almost a tormented delight. For what I use to help one did use to better her own self. Telling of how I am a toy… a mere play thing. How foolish was she… I foretold her actions so many times to others. Alas my error was in the timing I was wrong for not expecting the change to come again so sudden. For as a toy she can call me… but in the end my morals did stand, my heart still beats, my love still grows… but the love for is denied. As even I told her. Love is not of the flesh of body it withers with time, the soul is what exists eternally. “If knowledge if power then I am weak but alas I do grow stronger” Life is a lesson and how much have I learned. I give foreplaced errors to all. As they would believe my idiocy I believe in my love. Take me in falseness if you dare, in the end as you snare I shall walk away standing… I can not be took upon a lie. Those that wish for a lie I shall let them believe just that a lie… what they see is as they paint. What is reality is what they see in the end.

Recuring collective dreams

Recuring collective dreams… realizing accumulative thoughts. All is mist… wondering in the clouds of confussion. Still searching my soul for the answer… I can not forget. When I think im free… again the pain returns for I shall never be free of it. For ever right I have done a wrong does live… and more still. I shall never be happy… when I fear it. I fear love, expection. I am not a good person.

Rain

Rain… the sweet tears of angels pouring down, falling from my face. Feeding the earth, spreading life. The blossoms of new life submerge. In the garden my face suspended in time in a constant stare, my dark brown eyes fixed to an unrelenting constant gaze at the wondrous beauty that lies before me. Nil and fragile it stands, its roots giving life to the soil. Its pedals tasting the light. Its protective stem radiant. Its petals, sweet and full of life. This lone rose stands through the constant weathering, left damaged and hurt. Its thorns left to protect it from all that would dare hurt its rare and beauteous wonder. Rain drops fall from its glowing petals. As my hand touches a petal, the rain drops fall and run across my fingers, my body is baptized with love and beauty. Still not in full bloom, yet it surpasses all other flowers I have seen, and at my gaze it fades. Seems an illusion, untrue to me. To great to be real, tis a rose… tis a woman. Far from reach… my glimmering tears fall, for I can not touch her lips, my fingers burn for I can not put them to her lips and caress them, my body chapped from the wanting of her soft touch. I do truly love this woman far then I have ever imagined I ever could nor would anyone. Even more then my Pegasus… Maybe it was a selfish wish for me to have her, but it was the only wish I have ever made for myself. To run my fingers through her hair, so see her hands… these sculptured hands. For my lips to touch them and feel soft skin upon my bitter red lips. Even now a tear falls, for I can not. It is not a black tear, nor a normal tear. Its is unique for I know of it only once before. That was when I plucked this rose… it reminded me of her, and the thoughts flooded my mind, heart, and soul. Their I laid my body down, I sat upon the steps. The rain falling on my face, my body soaked… not a care did I have except in my heart for her. I fell to a fantasy, but it was of love. To hold her in my arms in this rain… to taste her glossy lips… to pull a soft petal and run it across her arm, to her hands these wondrous hands I wish to one day hold mine. The rain drops left upon this petal spread across her fingers… Her body bathed in angel tears and the sweet smell of a rose. I imagine myself putting the petal to her lips… the graceful angelic lips. Her lips making the rose petal lively, no petal could be any sweeter for her lips have graced it. To hold her close… time would not stand for me for I would have to let go… never would I want to. To watch her in slumber, guarding her. My arms around her, holding her. Till the dawn…Staring at the sky… watching the stars. Her eyes would hold more light then any star. But I can not look into these eyes. She says she loves me… but I even doubt her existence for nothing could be as angelic as she. I know I love her… with all my heart and soul. I would give my last breath to her, and my ray of hope to brighten everything around her. I would hold her in the light while the darkness once again engulfed me… my body serrated by the blades of the dark, still my frail arms would hold her to the light. It seems impossible to ever have her. But it is the one thing I want for myself. I don’t think I can ever love her as much as she deserves. I don’t even know if she can love me, I want nothing more then for her happiness. I love her so much… I can not say more for its does hurt like a thorn in my heart for I can not have her… She is a rose and am nothing more then a mere bitter weed.