Through dreams and tears

Through dreams and tears I have lived… I have lost… I have loved. For reality is the dream of our souls. I have hurt and been hurt. For all I am I am nothing more then me. We look to the past… the pain we have felt… we fear the future… while we reject the present… no one can truly say what will happen tomorrow or the next morrow… we all have a part in life. For everyone that reads this I have been a part of your life for this time. I have nothing to give anyone except my love and words. They may be wrong in your eyes… but to me they are true. I am me. I can not be what another wants… when I do not even know what I want to be. I can say the future is… a could of mist and confusion to me and yes I do fear it. I fear the pain, hurt, and sorrow… all that I might face in the next morrow. We have all been given the gift of life. What we do with it is our choice… we face so many pains and hurts… but only in our heart does who we are lie. I have lead many to a false veil from fear… I know that I can only be me… no other can. I am part of life as everyone is… Out of everyone I know… their are so many I do not know. I know that I am alone… and in my heart their is emptiness… I wanted to change that with someone I love. Love is… one of the greatest things. Maybe it is my destiny to never find it… but I can not say what God holds for me… and I know I do not want to know till it is time… after it happens. I can not say the fact my mother does not love me makes it easy… nor the fact… I do not even know my sister. I fear everyone… I always have. For the first time in my life I was going to face my fear… I do not know what will come of it nor if I will have the chance. I know I am still young and I do grow physically, emotionally, and mentally. It seems every time I hurt… I learn more. I understand more of what is happening in life… but I am still more confused… so many answers I want… but love is what my soul and heart seeks. This pond of tears… that I have created with time… so many ripples it has felt but not from the fall of tears… but from the light of hope, and love. I was at the darkest time… in my life so far… but then I still do not remember what happened… my heart was purified… its as if someone poured their love in to me… I held my head high today… the first time… I cant even remember if I ever had before. I do not know… anything of tomorrow… just what happened today. I still feel empty and alone… I can not understand this content… I know that this is nothing I could do for myself. Its almost as… if my soul was almost complete for a second… I awoke this morning… with more light in my eyes then I have ever imagined… my tears that I weep sparkle… for they are tears of joy… I do not even know why I have them… nor why I feel this way. Its as if all my pain can not touch me… I do not know if I will feel this way tomorrow… nor if I ever will again. But its… I have bliss for one day. With no reason that I know of… I can only speculate and guess… but from the content in my heart I know… I am being loved… I can feel it… all the way to my soul… for nothing has ever reached this far into me. Nothing. I do not know if this love I feel is a gift from God or… my soul mate… but I know for this person I do not know to give me this… to pull me up from my pain. I have no chains of emotions… every time I started to remember I was pulled to the light… Some day I will know this being that has shown me this happiness… it may even be in heaven but someday I will. Looking back upon this… their is no error… every word is right to me. I can never explain how or why I feel this way… for I do not even truly know. I find no hate for myself… nor anyone else. For everything I have done and not done… I have the next morrow… I always will have. My love can not and will not die. I know I have found the answer about my love… that no matter how many times I am hurt… left alone. I have love… I can love. And someday the one I love will want this. Maybe I know her… maybe I have only dreamt of her… in a forgot lost dream. But I know she exists… for the first time in my life I know she exists. On earth, in heaven… in my heart she exists. I know on some morrow I will again hurt… but this light of hope can never truly be extinguished from all the pain I have had I have never lost it… it has dimmed from pain and despair. We are all here… searching. We all share the pain and fear. We are all afraid of something this is what we all have, we have all been hurt and shall be hurt. From the closest person next to you or the one still lost from your sight we all have many things alike. We hurt, we bleed, we cry, we can love… everyone can love… something… it might be pain… to them or others… it might be their child(ren)… it might be God… or another in their life or someone they still wait to see in their life. I could have seen my soul mate even talked to her… maybe even passed her… but I know one day we will meet. We have eternity a soul can live forever… I can wait for that love… I wait to give all of my heart to that love… and my soul. It is something only she can take… I can not see the stars… the night is black but I know they are their in my mind with all of my memories… of pain… and tomorrow I will have this memory. If I end my life with only this memory of love then I can say it is worth it. I may fall to despair again… and I know I shall cry again… but I know I will always love and hope. We are all human and make mistakes… but forgiveness is found only in the heart… I hold no one accountable for what has happened in the past… for it has passed. Time does heal all wounds… I never believed it till now. For I can not find any sadness in any of my memories. I remember the ones that hurt… but now they do not… tomorrow they shall… but I know from all of this pain… I have gained. In heaven you shall see the person for what they really are… and know all that has happened every lie told I shall know one day. But for every insecure lie for what ever reason does not mean it was bad or for their sake… most are but not everyone of them. I have spent all of my life fearing love… and rejection… but when I find this person, my soul mate I will not be… forever she may for fate had not chose it right… we live… and do so many things and have so many chances but when she does appear and I know it is her… I will be hers as she is mine then we are… only one. A pure soul… full of love and light. If she rests in hell then God shall bring her to me… we all make mistakes… we know so little… we lead our life as we see and by our morals… I have not formed mine from society or another but from what I feel in my heart is right. I will never deny it… I can never deny my heart. For I know it does guide me… it may take me to pain… and hurt… but that only strengthens my love and hope. Every time I am hurt… I shall now remember this memory and from all the pain that ripples my body and tears that fall… from the chains of emotions and the circle of pain this only forms one thing… proof. Proof of why I hold love so high. I am not great nor beautiful as some say I am only me and I believe what I feel is right. I do not care what anyone thinks of me. I live my life by my morals and the path my heart shows. Every day that you live you are loved by God. But you have your soul… he did not abandon us but he gave us the freedom to live… and love. He is all around and in your heart if you want him to be… we are all human… and mistakes, pain, fear, sadness, joy, love, hope, hate… every emotion and thing that we feel and happens in our life… every person we meet, every thing we learn. If life. Its a part of all of us. You are apart of me and I am apart of you. I am just one man and I have hurt… one day you as well as everyone will know how much I have hurt… we will know… for in the cross roads we shall see… everyone deserves a chance… and I give everyone a chance… I give them my trust if they rip it from me… it is their doing not mine but I know we all make mistakes for I alone have made many… but that is what made me who and what I am today from everything that has passed and will happen… be felt… learned… experienced. It is what shall make me who I am. I am nothing more the a soul… my soul… incomplete and still empty but my love does fill enough of it. And someday another’s will fill it fully… and then we shall create heaven… for it ours as it is yours to create. I know lay this to rest as I do my body and mind… my heart never will till that one day when I have her… my soul never will for it shall continue to search then when it has found her it shall pour my love into her. I am ready to face to morrow and from what it brings even if sorrow follows I shall face the next morrow with this memory, love, faith, and hope.