Thinking

Thinking… wondering. These silent thoughts… silent gateways to confusion. With every thought a new question is brought to sight. Stepping forward to face the question to test my answer… lying on the ground; flung to earth with the realization that I forgot the first question… and myself. For what reason did I ponder? For whom what this answer meant for? Who have I become? Who was I? I have changed so much since… I awoke from my falsified dream. I test my time hating myself, I look as the worlds darkness rests solely in my heart. That I am the cause of the pain. With the passing of the next thought comes the next phase in the loathsome passage of confusion. I wanted to show someone who I really was… but I could not even find who I was. I tell how foolish it is to run… when I have been running my whole life. Afraid of what someone would think… if I could just… afraid to love to get hurt again… to have them leave, to die. Afraid of being loved for I never want to hurt anyone… but I shall someday pass… for if someone cares a tear shall fall… because of me. because I did not push them away… but in doing that if I fail to soon enough and they start to care then I am… Torment. Resolution or desolation? With every thought I learn… but I forget more of myself. I want to know who I am why I think the way I do and why I have the mental blocks I do… but I lose more understanding of my former self with the realization of I know less of who I am now. My childhood is a blur… now. I used to know what I did and remember the thoughts I had… but now I cant ever remember how I felt about something of someone. I cant remember if I even suffered or felt joy. So I again go into thought to remember to learn who I am… and I emerge mentally naked, confused even further. Falling from the grace of knowledge. I look for a reason in everything… but I don’t even know the reason for… me. why am I this way. Why can I not remember who I was. I can see myself… but I cant remember who I am. I know my name, most of my past. But not who I really am. I see myself in a mirror… only because by natural law it is to be a reflection of me… I wonder who lies deep inside those brown eyes… my brown eyes. What is the secret I lost and keep staggering another vague reaction in its place. Am I meant to be hated, or loved. Why can I not see what is happening to me, why can I not understand? A world constantly spinning… to sudden stop. Standing up, the blur of my surroundings, the lost thoughts almost found, the dizziness almost passed… the spinning again continues. I cant accept who I am… I’m afraid of myself… because I don’t even know if its really me. the same child lives inside me, along with the man… but whom am I? Their is a gap… the bridge that linked the two cliffs of past and present. I have not a memory of it. Nor of growing up to say. I’m still the same child afraid and scared of life… of the pain it brings and of the joy and love it could… yes I am truly afraid to be happy. I have felt it few times… and I did not think… I did not have to I was free of the pain… and I’m scared. Scared of life and love of sadness and joy. The only thing I do not fear is death… I may have regrets of not completing something… and the hurt I will cause when I do die… but not of what shall happen. I fear more of life. I.. I… I don’t even know who I am walking on this twisting road of life. I am but a coward to afraid of his own shadow. I even fear what I want, love and happiness. And I don’t even know why.