Guilty

Guilty… sentenced. Redemption impossible. Take heed. I am of a dead breed. To none shall my seed pass. For I am a disgrace. The comfort for me is but my mothers bitter embrace. A funeral… a friend. A brother. Respect. Pain. Guilt. Fate took a friend to heaven… is wish fulfilled. His brother safe. I went… despite my beliefs and wisdom. As his decree was to see his brother free I did help… a hatred born in his father only comforted by my pain. Now all are free. Upon that holy ground… the realm of the dead. Where my body laid beaten and broken… Like a beaten dog I rested. Unable to strike for I kept my promise. A promise I made never to strike his father. Never. And I did not. I knew as such would happen. His vengeful scorn I did embrace… for it was my fate. I do feel the guilty. And as they say if I had not helped him take his brother from his fathers vile fist… this would never have happened. But it was as he wanted his brother is safe. Never could a display of sibling compassion be more shown. I went not to say “Good bye” and admit he was gone for he shall always live in my heart and mind. I went to accept my fate. For it was my fault. His father wanted my death and a day sooner he would have passed such unto me… I knew this to be true just as Jacob’s mother had told me. had I went when many think I should I may possible be just a memory… how can a memory love someone? How can a memory help the ones that person loved? After my cleansing or hateful scorn… my body broken… my internal blood tainting the ground. My lungs filled… a mothers arms around me… the tears falling upon my neck. One arm placed under my shoulder. The other… seeking more pain for me pay. Around my side… pushing my broken ribs. More blood forming in my lungs. For none dare I show. Choking, unable to breath. For I did sacrifice myself. As I should have. No harm did I believe would come. How wrong I was. The pain I was inflicted means none… the pain of a mother losing a son is my guilt. Why Jacob did return I do not know. Why his father did not finish my demise I do not know either. From one hateful scorn from the other loss. I comforted both still with the guilt in my heart… at the cost of my body and emotions. Jacob would never have wanted to see such a display of pain from me. But still I went. I went not knowing if I would live. I went almost hoping not to. To pay for my sin. For I did not stop his death. I was unaware. Some how I should have just as both his mother and father said. This brother… his younger brother, the one we both tried to free, looked at me and did decree that nothing was my fault. And said Jacob believed me as a brother. I was never worthy of this nor will I ever be. I could not save Jacob. My friend 3ft away I could not say as the bullet flew into his head… why did it not pass through me also? Maybe fate has chosen me to suffer… to life humbly with this guilt. But I can not. No humbleness shall anyone see in my eyes. Not happiness; none can be found with this guilt. After my cleansing I still feel the guilt. For everything I could have stopped but I was no there, unaware. I should have! Their must have been away and I should have found it. I looked for comfort on the yester morrow in 3. Only one answered… truly answered. The other 2 did care… but one… one helped me. The only friend that has always been at my side. But I wanted comfort in another. But pain. The pain that I deserve is what I received. 3 words did come… the 3 words that shall always seal me. “I hate you” Hate ~ Wishing someone never was, will be, or can be. Their by all their actions, words; everything good and bad done from them erased from existence forever… eternally lost. Maybe I should never have been born as my mother says… but I can not say that for true for I have helped and I have saved lives. And still shall for the cost of my own life. I’m still dying. And my heart is growing weaker instead of better now. No hunger do I have… my skin pale. My body lighter… 92lds. And falling. Little sleep for I do not deserve. For I am the guilty as I have been. Every action I do hurts someone and I can not stop it. And I can not recede again for a promise… and even if I could that would mean I could no longer help. Still I shall not fall. And still I have no one standing at my side… I thought one may but bitter hate was my blessing from fate. Alone. As I always have been and forever shall be.