The cradle that kept me

The cradle that kept me, the candle that burns in ones heart for me. A child born dead. A man dies alive. How long have I been dead? Dead to myself… dead to… life. A haunting calling… chills ripping thought my spine, my body set to ecstasy. My life in stasis. My mind in full charge. My heart confused and serrated. My soul… a misfortune that no words can describe. I once watched a child play… so much life and energy flowed from the child as an imaginary world was created to sustain this child’s ambition of a playful fantasy. How that child came to be me I can not understand. Long ago in infancy we had no pain only hunger that was soothed from love and care… for most. So many lies to be brought to light… so many I let live till fate shows them false. Even in knowing they will dissipate in truth I still let them live in reality. Time… so much has passed yet only one second do I live. Time tells all, for in time we shall know all that has been hidden from us. As such all shall know my past… few will see much wrong with it… I however grieve as my former actions. To live without compassion or love; what possessed me to such way? Pain pushed, fear was born… I ran. So weak in life am I. So much can hurt me, so much can destroy me. Only one thing can save me. I fight a balance within myself. A balance that was never there. Much like a child playing, I live life. Taken all as if it is real in my mind, when I know deep down such is a lie. If one would let me live a lie then I say, little care do they give. If one would forsake me then I say, foolishness was born, and even I now admit I am not as tainted as I invision myself nor am I as worthless as my mother and I would have anyone to believe. Let one give me love, let me give that one love, then let them bring me out. And then let the world see what I hide is not dark as I tell. More so of a fear. A fear divided between my two greatest fears; love and happiness. As sick as I have been, plagued with pain and misery. A disease called despair. I am still strong enough to help many, and strong enough to achieve as I wish. With the turn of the tide this sickness forms to a ravage rebuke more greater then any sickness can drag me down can I repeal to the opposite and grow far stronger, in both emotions, and life. To create something great from the foundation of another you must first tear down what was once there. As with a relationship, shelter, a body, and me. How much stronger am I then a year ago? My sickness has brought a pale tent to my body, gravity can hold to less for I weigh a lot less, my muscles have diminished, my mind has lost a lot of knowledge, yet more about life have I gained, and my emotions… far greater have they came. My weakness then is now my strongest feature. Easy is it to gain the other… physical limits are easily broken and surpassed but emotional… hard indeed to gain. Yet I am surpassed at myself in many cases still yet. I wonder if I give to much faith to one, to much trust, and even to much love… then I remember my doubt, and how I would dare to push anything that can help me away. Funny… one hurts for so long, you would almost think they would seize the change for happiness… yet they would deny that from fear, fear of it ending… and fear of the unknown. In this case I am at fault. Yet again I leave myself more confused about myself, life, and everything. I know what I want… I know what I want to do. Yet I can not understand why or how I want either. I want my fear to be faced… but not to end the fear because I feel a lacking in my life as such I had never imagined. Curious I am, for could this wind of change vent a fire that would burn me or could it spread a wildfire of my heart? Either truth is known or it is not. Either way it shall be in the end, and the one that spoke the lies shall face penance.