Shadows playing in the light.

Shadows playing in the light. A smile forms from delight. For as dark as the world is… the purity of light burns brighter then most. Would anyone wipe my tears? Take my hand and lead me to the light. For everything I do for someone… still I must cry for their is no one to do it for me. For the first time ever I thought I had found one that would… tis sad that I now weep for she is no longer the same. All I can think to blame is myself. For what happens it is in my mind that I am at fault. I can never say do not be afraid… this what I have… fear. I’ve grown up to fear. Fear love, expectations, being loved, loving, being in love, being out of love, being happy… yes I fear happiness… because the only time I have felt it I had pain engulf me soon after. For everything I am fear is apart of me. I fear tomorrow… the next morrow. I fear everything. This fear was something I gained only because I had to admit I could love. I had not fear… nothing could hurt me I had no compassion. I am the one that opened my heart and allowed it to get ripped out. I am the blame… and a shame to all. I don’t even have a mother to wipe these tears away. I hear every day how great I am and the one that gets me will be the luckiest alive… but how can I believe this when no one truly wants me. A lot just think they do… How do I pretend to be happy… when I am only sad. No matter who wants my heart I have to love them also and I only want one. But another wants me… I could almost truly say it is love… she has saved her self for me… would not let the hand of any other touch her… I am afraid and confused… for I know she will be hurt… she continues to fall for me more. She has the idea that she can take me from the one I love… this as a friend explained to me is dangerous. And it is. I can not deny my heart and I can not destroy hers. But what can I say about my love… does that person truly love me? I am afraid. And confused. And with each passing day I grow worse. I have again locked the pain and fear inside me… and as before it pushes out… but I shall contain it as long as I can. I want nothing more then a chance. She has told me so many times she loves me… but why is she with him and not me. Why did the other wait so long for me… I have three choices: deny my own heart to keep from hurting another and destroy myself. Break her innocent heart for the sake of my own and I don’t even know if the one I love wants me. or I can run again… that which almost destroyed my love for her the first time, but if I do this I could hurt all 3 of us. One is sure I can love her… but I know I don’t I have another in my heart. And the other… I don’t know if she even wants me to. Now I lay like a beaten dog… unable to move for the pain is to great… I am afraid of the one that stuck me. My trust is betrayed. My heart is fractured. I am scared. Afraid of my own choice. Afraid I will hurt another, get hurt myself. I want to run from it all… but I can never run from what’s in my heart it shall always push its self to my mind. From all that I have to lose and gain. It is a choice in life. I kept my promise to the one that waited for me… unlike anyone else she did wait for me. but that does not chance the way of my heart for it still points to the one I loved before my first love… I was to afraid to admit that I could love anyone and especially her. Because I ran I was hurt I knew she would leave me… but I should never have left the one my heart had wanted. If I had would I still be here alone or would I be with her now… lost in her eyes. “From all the chaos in my soul I can give no answers only questions, but from the love in my heart I can follow its way.” I still wait alone for I know I love the one. I can not run again. I shall take what ever pain she wills and fate gives me. For I know if I continue to endure this pain my heart will close its gate to the source then… I again have nothing but hope.